The following takes place between 7:00 pm and 8:00 pm. SCENE: CTU War Room. Jack, Chloe, Kim, Laundrey Staines and Kim.s College Professor/Therapist/Love Muffin are present. JACK BAUER Chloe, come do computer stuff. CHLOE O.BRIEN No. KIM.S COLLEGE PROFESSOR / THERAPIST / LOVE MUFFIN I.ll talk to her. (Now Chloe is BETTER. She does computer stuff.) CHLOE Uh oh, it looks like that nerve gas is eating right through our seals. We.ll all be dead in like twenty minutes. JACK Don.t worry, I.ll save the day! First, let me dress up like the Unabomber. LAUNDREY STAINES Forget it. We need you here to have a heart-to-heart with Kim. Let.s send Agent Rudy instead. (Cut to CTU Interrogation Room. Agent Rudy and CTU Agent #2989 are present.) AGENT RUDY It.s all my fault. AGENT #2989 Don.t blame yourself. You're not responsible. AGENT RUDY Well, the terrorists gained access to our building by way of the keycard I lost and never bothered to report. AGENT #2989 I take that back. You.re a ****ing schmuck. JACK (over the radio) Rudy. AGENT RUDY Jack, I.ll never get over this. JACK You.re probably right. So how about you do us all a favor and push the escape key on this laptop sitting in a contaminated room down the hall? AGENT RUDY All right. And then where do I go to be safe? JACK Uh, you.ll be safe in the bathroom. AGENT RUDY Really? JACK No. Actually, you.ll most certainly die. But hey, this is your big chance to redeem yourself! AGENT RUDY You.re right, I.ll do it! AGENT #2989 Hey, what about me? Should I go with him in case he doesn.t make it? JACK No. You sit in the corner and look helpless. -------------------------- SCENE: CTU Infirmary. Masochistic Maniac is lying on a gurney, barely conscious. Tony, pistol in hand, bursts into the room. INTERN Hey, what.re you doing? TONY ALMACEYA Back off, pipsqueak. I.ve got unfinished business here. MASOCHISTIC MANIAC (weakly) Who are you? TONY ALMACEYA Hello. My name is Antonio Almaceya. You killed my lover. Prepare to die. JACK (over the radio) Tony, don.t do it! We need him! TONY ALMACEYA But he killed my wife! JACK I know what you.re going through. A terrorist killed my wife too! TONY ALMACEYA Yeah, and then you blew her head off. JACK Well.yeah, but not until I let her kill many other people first. TONY ALMACEYA Fine, I.ll just sit here and simmer in my hatred and self-pity.for about fifteen minutes, at which time I.ll snap again. JACK Deal. -------------------------- SCENE: Presidential Suite MIKE NOVICE Sir, we.ve just received word that terrorists have infiltrated CTU, released some nerve gas, and took the entire department out of commission. PRESIDENT SLICKY DICK My God, quick.we have to notify the higher-ups! MIKE NOVICE Um.you.re the President, sir. There are no higher-ups. PRESIDENT DICK That can.t be! What about the Pope? The secretary-general??? How.s Kofi.s schedule look these days? MIKE NOVICE Er, no, I think you.re still the one in charge. VICE PRESIDENT HAROLD BORED (emerging from the shadows) Don.t worry, Mr. President. You just leave all the important decision-making to me. Muhahahaha. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! PRESIDENT DICK Phew, that.s a relief. -------------------------- SCENE: Poorly Lit Badguy Hangout HEAD EVIL GUY Time for me to contact my secret associate. (calls) SLUTTY EVIL CHICK WHO.S NOT MANDY (answering) Hello? HEAD EVIL GUY It.s me. Stop turnin. tricks and start burnin. hicks. SLUTTY EVIL CHICK WHO.S NOT MANDY Check. -------------------------- SCENE: Government sedan. The Department of Homeland Inferiority is heading to LA. SECRETARY RHONDA LISA VICE (riding shotgun, to the other passengers) When we arrive at CTU, we.ll be taking over their complete operation. MALE AGENT I don.t understand how this could have happened. After all, CTU.s security is impenetrable! (Silence.) EVERYONE Bahahahahaaha!!!! -------------------------- SCENE: CTU War Room. Agent Rudy is about to sacrifice his life to clean the air. AGENT RUDY (over the radio) By our powers combined, I am Captain Planet! (dies) CHLOE He did it! The air is clean. TONY ALMACEYA (over the radio) Well, Jack, now that the hour.s about up and it.s finally safe for you to come stop me, I decided I.m going to kill this dude after all. (Cut to the Infirmary. Tony, poison-filled syringe in hand, is peering over the unconscious body of Masochistic Maniac.) TONY ALMACEYA Time to die, pecker neck. MASOCHISTIC MANIAC (suddenly wakes up) Bad language makes for bad feelings. (stabs Tony with his own syringe and escapes) Teehee. JACK (shows up) Tony! No! (cradles him) TONY ALMACEYA (dying) Jack, I want you to know. JACK That I.ve been a good friend? TONY ALMACEYA . that you owe me thirty bucks, you cheap bastard. (dies) CARLOS BERNARD (watching) Huh? Where.s my ****ing silent clock?! TO BE CONTINUED.